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PASSIVE FRIENDSHIPS

My greatest earthly treasure , given by God, has never been what I have or what I do; it is the richness of the people around me. Friendship. What is friendship? Friendship is the act of devoting to one another- a close association that entails care, respect, love, admiration and more. A friend? Someone in whose company you delight in, who you are open with and with whom there is mutual consent on the involvement of each other’s life journey..entirely

Friendship is not a new thing to us, and it clearly wasn’t non existent two thousand years ago when Jesus roamed the earth, since we get to see Him develop closeness with three disciples : Peter, John and James. One of the most referred to friendships in the Bible, is that of David and Jonathan and we see true brotherhood (or bromance if you’re a cool millennial ),  to the point David compares the love of Jonathan as greater than even that of  a woman when he was mourning his death. 2 Samuel 1:26

While we enjoy this gift, the truth is, we barely know how to navigate it  (at least I don’t.) We find ourselves winning one day then crushing and losing in the next. Friendships are hard and yet at the same time delightful. We are imperfect human beings who are attempting to love in our own imperfect ways. Sometimes stretching that love out and even receiving it proves harder than we imagine. I don’t know about you but I feel like my relationships have been tried in this “COVID-19 season” from every angle. Aside from the fact that we cannot see each other as often, I tend to feel there has been a level of disconnect. If anything, being a friend right now is somewhat harder than it was before Covid -19. If we are honest, there has been a lot of readjusting.

Friendship is work just like any other:it requires effort, intentionality, initiative, action and consistency. Without this we will experience occasional fires; the kind that burns and hurts.One thing I have come to realize is that passivity is one of the ways the enemy slides into our relationship and it is the trap we fall for so easy; without even noticing. What do I mean? Passivity in terms of lacking in action, being unmoved by situations that are happening around you and basically lifting hands  in surrender  and classifying it as “It is what it is” or phrases like “Such is life and we are all busy.” or “I have bigger problems” 

No man can live without relationships in their life, it is God ordained which is why love is the greatest commandment. Matthew 22:36-40 : love for God and love for man; there is no mention of love for business or personal projects…those are important but God desires for us to have healthy relationships.Jesus’ command is we love each other as He have loved us. John 15:12 and in 1 Peter 4:8 Above all love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.” Being passive minimizes love and the power of love.

CAUSES OF PASSIVITY

Lack of communication

Where there is no communication, there is assumption and we tend to hold onto our assumptions and reject reasoning because we like to think that what we think is right and our instincts never lie..and well, could be true but sometimes we are faulty.  For a long time, I always wanted to be the one on the right side so I could gloat but then I realized I love it more when God is right and when I ask His view.

Communicating erases every assumption and brings clarity on both ends and leaves no room for misinterpretation. Choose to share what irks you, what you love and what you dislike. Choose to communicate your visions and expectations of the friendship. Choose to communicate what values to uphold.Choose to talk about whether two days of silence is okay  In this manner, there will be transparency and accommodation over what every person desires. 

Ego/ Pride

Nothing kills friendship faster than this: the notion that one is better than the other or loves better ,etcetera. Friendship is meant to throw away every cover and title and promote oneness. When pride becomes part of the “sandwich” , there is a looming darkness that takes everything away. Most exhibitors of pride get stuck in statements like “She will text me first” or “I have been communicating more than he or she has and I should wait”

Unconditional love

Love is the perfect bond of unity Colossians 3:14 and this is the glue to every union. Unconditional love is the love that doesn’t want to exit immediately after an issue…the kind of love that is patient, selfless, kind, does not parade itself . Love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Friendship without unconditional love is like building sand castles at the shoreline of the beach, trusting that no waves will bring the water to shore and believing that your castle will stay firm. Love is a choice and a daily choice for that matter. In making this choice, there comes an automatic alertness to every lurking danger and immediate efforts to ward it off.

Unaddressed hurt/ issues

Do we deal with our pain? Do we bottle it inside in an attempt to preserve a relationship or avoid confrontation? Before I became firm in communicating, I was a “let it pass”  person in order to preserve the peace in a relationship and I would choose to let go in my heart but my view of the friend would remain tainted.

But one thing I have learnt is that while the tongue is one powerful organ when used to talk, it can also be very dangerous when it is tied up. Silence is dangerous. Healthy friendships provide a means in which there is a safe space and an individual can openly share how they feel without an attack by the other. Establishing this in a friendship is essential to ensure that there is no room for pent up anger awaiting  explosion.

Excuses

There is a quote I have always read especially in this season that highlights how “no one should be mad at someone if they fail to talk to them or something like that and they even go further to say how we are all dealing with life.” While the last portion may be true since life serves us differently, I tend to disagree. Don’t get me wrong I do not advocate for being mad at each other or keeping score over how many times someone texted you. However, I am of the belief that we should never go on holiday when it comes to loving and caring for each other.

Many have fallen in this trap and feel justified in their laxity There is grace for every season, in that while we may battle with our own, we should extend a hand as well. God always returns the favor and we see him move with us, for us and surrounds us. Some even go as far as saying, “I lack strength in communication or it is not my usual forte. Excuses are exit signs for any type of success, the moment we let excuses pitch up a tent next to us we are headed for destruction. 

REMEDIES TO PASSIVITY

The reverse of the above causes of passivity are solutions but more specifically, the following cover all bases :  

1. Purpose in your heart

Make a choice that the friendship you are in will succeed and that you will give your all in terms of seeing that through. Decide that no matter what happens you will give selflessly and not make it conditional. Throw away every guide and score. Do you know and trust your friend’s heart? This will guide; in that you will be able to trust that they are not being uncanny and you will have no reservations in terms of giving your best.

2. Pray

Prayer sorts everything and we are best positioned to win when we fight on our knees. The devil thrives in making his way through small issues and unless we bind them in prayer and ask God to cover us and open our eyes, we will be stuck in the devil’s trap. Have you ever had an issue with a friend only to wonder what or how in the first place you allowed it to happen? The petty and avoidable fights is what the enemy targets and we will keep loosing if we don’t consistently pray over our friendships.

While at it, continually ask God to work on your own heart..asking Him to help you walk in humility , fill your heart with love and to make you a better friend because eventually what you give will always come back flowing to you. Kick pride to the curb! 

3. Be intentional and say NO to excuses

What has your excuse been? Is it something that is without basis? Is it something you can attempt to learn and grow out of?  Refuse to be trapped by statements like “That’s just how I am”. 

Do you have desires that you hope the friendship will live out, make the move; do not wait for the friend. Most times, one action from us incites double action from the other person but you will never know what could come out of it if you keep waiting for the other person to start. Every effort counts.

4.Be Spontaneous. Spice it up 

This may be the last tip but definitely not the least. It is probably one of my favorites. There is just something different when we choose to be spontaneous, it is like rekindling that love once again. 

Not all conversations have to start with : “Good morning, How are you? Just checking on you” or “Hi, I hope you are well”. There is no problem with this but I am of the belief that sometimes, it cuts conversations short. I am a big adversity of small talk. I like going further from the basics and if we are honest, the response to “How are you?” has been engraved in our minds from time in memorial and we always say “I am fine. I am okay. I am good …” 

Instead;

  •  Choose to send a picture of yourself having breakfast or a picture of your meal.
  • Send out a recipe you just tried that morning and invite them to try.
  • Send out the picture of the sunrise or record the birds singing..just some touch of nature
  • Decide to sing a song even if you have the worst voice, it will make them laugh.
  • Video call your pal and bond over breakfast as you eat together. 
  • Do a devotional together and share 

Other random ideas for spontaneity : 

  • Do a friendship challenge together.
  • Show up at their house with some lunch ; takeout or cooking ingredients and cook together.
  • Write them a letter or if you like, acknowledge them on social media with some sweet message.
  • Record a video of yourself appreciating them.
  • Send gift packages even if it is a hundred shillings to pay for their fare that day.
  • Accompany them on errands, this is involving and it sends a messages of concern in their affairs.
  • Visit their family even without your friend being around. This takes bonding to another level.
  • Watch a movie together…together or from your own homes; just pick a movie and time and start it together.
  • Pray for them via phone.
  • Ask questions. Spiritual, personal development, travel and even relational ones.
  • Share exciting music, verses and sermons with them.
  • Send them a picture of you doing even the most mundane of tasks or accomplishing those tasks..e.g after doing a gym workout and your sweating so ugly it’s embarrassing.
  • Go out on dates (Restaurants have upped their sanitation and arrangement if you wish to go out)

What other ideas do you have? Have you tried something I haven’t mentioned? Please share. I desire to rekindle some friendship flames.

Proverbs 27:9 “Sweet friendship refreshes the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like the anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence. ” TPT.

I would love my soul to be refreshed by the presence and love of a friend . More than that, I want to be the friend that brings refreshing to every person that God has gifted me and being intentional and active is one way of doing it.

Stay anchored. Keep His light shining through.