WHO AM I? Story#1

Who am I? This is a question that we have either consciously or unconsciously let our minds entertain. Identity, a word often thrown around and yet we sometimes lack a deeper definition. Do we really know what it means? Do we know what has shaped the said identity? Identity is the impressions, the beliefs that make you you and they govern how you live. It also relates to the awareness of an individual. It is your view of your self image: who you are, the way you think about yourself, the way you are viewed by the world and the characteristics that define you. David Brenner defines identity as “who we experience ourselves to be – the  “I” each of us carries within. ”

During one of the team building activities in church , the instructor asked us to pair up and tell our partner who we are. Let’s just say that we all led on with our names, our jobs, our statuses, and even the outward description. Oh and not forgetting  “I am born again” . Our identities are influenced by a lot of things; voices from the people we know ( i.e. the things they say) , our social class, our relationships, our religion, the society, our accomplishments our experiences and even our environments.

Identity informs a lot of things ranging from how we think about ourselves to the values (or vices) we allow to guide us. Labeling is something we then automatically live in, because of how we have identified or been identified.

What identifiers currently describe you? List them? Are they positive? Negative?

A friend of mine whose story you’re about to read says this is one of the hardest questions that most people don’t have answers to, and if they do, it always feels like it isn’t enough and I agree. But gradually, we will find the answers.

TEDDY’S STORY

“It is really hard to be firmly rooted and know who you are when you come from a place where everyone isn’t even sure about who they are. How then can they help you find the right way and thinking? Broken family: that’s my starting point. I needed someone to speak into my life and yet no one ever seemed available, be it emotionally, spiritually or physically. If I remember quite well, I was such a shy kid and since no one called it out, let’s just say it got buried inside of me. My family issues moved from bad to worse to the point that my dad left , which just kept cementing what I was thinking all along; that I was the problem. I grew up as a misfit and no one spoke anything different from it. High school comes around and acne breaks out. It was so bad, it led to serious negative self image.My face was “bumpy” ha ha. Now I can laugh about it but it wasn’t funny back then.

Funny enough, I had a girlfriend; you can say long distance favors people like me in such scenarios lol. But I still felt like an outcast even in school, that geeky nerdy kid who understood everything, which again didn’t help because I was secluded even the more but I never saw it as a challenge at that time. It got to the point where I was a “pagan” and couldn’t go to church because of how I looked and how I thought of myself. It was my coping mechanism. Insecurities just kept building up. As if I didn’t have it rough enough already, I experienced my first heartbreak. I had The Script to offer me consolation. You know Breakeven? the song? It became my new anthem: I played it over and over. I viewed life from a broken lens and I was so miserable. Unhealthy dating patterns became my norm (I was looking for somewhere, anywhere I could be loved and accepted) The tough and sad part was that the identity struggle was still there after I got born again. Funny right?

This is why:

I used to constantly hear that your identity is found in Christ. I was left asking “What is that supposed to mean?” It felt like I had come into an environment that needed me to have it all together and know it in detail. I felt like I was thrown into the ocean and told to swim and figure it all out with no help. It was a huge struggle at first but the way the Holy Spirit teaches is mind blowing-sometimes we aren’t even aware of how He is working. As I look back, I see the people He brought to me, the places and even the circumstances that worked out .

I still had unresolved issues even though I was in church. The issues kept resurfacing out of the blues and the devil would find an avenue to corrupt my mind. My mistake was that I wanted to discover it for myself, to explore by myself and learn by myself which is never and will never be the case. I read every book, watched every sermon on identity and everything concerning that, I grabbed, which led to one cancerous habit that proved too destructive: comparison. Being in a place of seeing that others have “made it ” (whatever this is supposed to mean.) was unhealthy. I began striving. 

My identity struggle as a believer was also from walking in someones path and not my own which is so easy. It starts from watching someone do something then thinking you can do it too, only to later realize it wasn’t for you. So coming out of that place of asking where do I get my identity, I got to know one thing that changed my understanding : Be in the presence of God. That is more than enough. There was one time someone spoke to me saying, “God has a plan for your life and its up to you to ask Him for it. I never understood what he meant till a year passed by.”

When I started cultivating my space in God, being in His presence, I got to learn about Him.I discovered I wanted a godly identity without a godly perception or mindset..which can’t happen. I have learnt so far that when I own my identity in Him, it gives glory to Him because it identifies me with God ( i.e. when I am in my element, I ought to show off God.)But  I had to first learn His ways and know Him. 

As I learnt that consistently and progressively, He would tell me “this is you” and this affirmation all through has silenced the fears I had and that I might have. Even to date, He is still teaching me, all because I am in His presence.“

What is wedging between you and God right now?  What’s trapping you?  We can know a lot of truth  but fail to live them out because of obstacles that are unique to each one of us.

“If we’re honest with ourselves, we often feel insecure. Those who hide it best often feel it most. But our insecurity is an invitation from God to escape the danger of false beliefs about who we are and find true peace in who he is.” Desiring God

Are you beginning to have an idea of some of the perceptions that have held you captive? I know I am ! Like Teddy does it come from family? Image? Relationship? What is your story?

You are light and you are so loved.

May His light shine on you, through you and in everything you do. Do not stay hidden. Let Him be glorified. 

❤

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